at this point it’s redundant to say, “been a while, eh?”
i moved to south philadelphia. in the beginning of november, i found a studio perfect for me in almost every way. i thought i covered every corner before signing the lease, but i did not. the day i moved in i realized it reeked of years of cigarette smoke coming from a first floor resident. i was lucky and resourceful and found another place to live in 36 hours. that’s where i am now, and have spent any free time i’ve had in the last 3 weeks making that a real home for me. i have two very nice roommates and this, i think, is a good situation.
i would say i’d like to notice an energy change already; having not driven 3 hours every day for a week so far. but it’s not noticeable yet; perhaps that’s because nothing really feels as if it has calmed down at all. right around the time of the last blog, i developed an ear infection that honestly is not completely gone yet. it manifests itself in different ways each week. i attribute its lack of recovery to the tumult that has been these few months for me. but any health deficiency always colors whatever activity you engage in.
as most of you know, since i used the same email list to tell you…i got let go from my dance job a few weeks ago. it came down to business and it’s not worth explaining here. and yes there’s a lot of sadness there but given my year, i sort of don’t feel like i have time for lots of moping. i am more engaged in a survival mode lately. that’s where my focus is.
i did get another restaurant job, as a host, within my group’s corporation, as of early november. and at the moment i’m also waiting to hear from another place that would replace my dance income. i definitely have not shed the weight i gained back this fall, and i’m looking forward to that being true. to that effect, i’ve walked to work most days this week. that territory is familiar to me…it reminds me of new york, and yet, nothing really reminds me of new york, because i was a very different person then.
i’ve been on a smattering of unsatisfactory and highly disappointing dates. a friend of mine recently said he admired me for how much i was putting myself out there. and i thought, it’s all relative…because i don’t know how else to operate. despite my biggest heartbreak since college happening this year, i still am open. try and stop me, i guess!
i was fortunately part of a lovely dinner last sunday evening, at a new friend’s house that i’ve made here in philadelphia. his friends and family are just great, great company. the food was exactly my kind of food, and the conversation pretty darn ideal for me. those kinds of evenings are always appreciated. i look forward to the day where i can soon cook and entertain for friends too.
this post reads like a debbie downer. i don’t care! it’s been a hard year. self-inflicted, of course. i made all these decisions that led to their repercussions. two song lyrics that stick out for my right now:
jackson browne’s “these days” always strikes a chord with me, and there’s one particular line that i think is apropos: “don’t confront me with my failures, i had not forgotten them.”
and mumford and sons from “after the storm:” “and love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears. get over your hill and see what you find there, with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.”
happy holidays, loved ones!
it’s been quite a while, eh?
some of you know but many do not…that i am not on the farm anymore. i quit in july; my boss and i had an awful relationship and i made a decision not to be there anymore. i miss my roommates and the work but it wasn’t a good situation for me anymore. luckily, very luckily, i had one of my best nyu friend’s parents who kindly took me in for several weeks while i got a better situation together. i will be infinitely grateful to them for that.
now i’ve got a lovely sublet through december, basically in the country as well, which makes me so happy and gives me a lot of peace. it’s very affordable rent and i have 5 roommates which is really fantastic, actually. the familial nature of this house reminds me of the farm, and i’m really needing that kind of company now too.
i made the decision again to post this blog without photos…just to have something up since it’s been so long. but this property is lovely and there will be photos next time.
one thing to be super happy about is that i got a dance teaching job! it’s at a lovely studio and i teach hip hop and one jazz class. honestly this is the kind of job i wish i’ve had for years…so this is really great. the kids have a recital in june and i want to start choreographing now! also, i’m a reservationist at a restaurant in philly…that is familiar territory to me since i did that for batali’s restaurant in west hollywood a couple of years ago. i’m hoping a third part-time job will come through any day now; i’ll let you know if it does. it is a lot of work, but that’s because all these jobs don’t pay that great. :/ hey, they’re jobs right? seriously.
as usual, my parents have been of immense help and i plan to pay them back when i can. i hope this new year brings independence for me…wholly. i’m sure they hope that too, perhaps more fervently than i do.
the relationship, the one i was so excited about the last time this blog was around, ended. he was lovely…probably the most lovely person i’ve ever dated, and we ended it maturely and amicably. he had nothing but positive things to say about me…he just didn’t feel as i did. isn’t that often the case? sigh. dating can just really be about finding the right fit. if i sound all meditative and all right-with-it, well it’s just my attitude lately. i’m handling all of these changes with a remarkably upbeat attitude. i guess…what’s the alternative? to be fair, i miss him every day.
a major friendship ended for me too recently. one i thought i would have until death. that’s given me a lot to think about…my participation in it, the trajectory of our connection…i don’t quite think the grief of that has really hit me. or perhaps i really am taking every possible thing in stride nowadays. not sure.
ok time for the sentimental ending. i have a very long drive between home and my reservationist job; about 1 hr and 15 minutes one way. but the person i’m subletting from gave me a fantastic route, and i’ll tell you…leaving home these last few days, where it’s been rainy, there is such brilliance in the color of the landscape around here…i just feel like i’m gliding. and coming home late at night, with few people on the roads, there is a cozy feeling to pulling onto a gravel road and getting into your bed, pitch black room, and having wind rustle right outside. such quiet…and it’s not cold enough yet that i can’t keep my window open…these are the things i don’t know that i’ll ever stop appreciating. ever.
so it’s definitely been my longest gap between entries. sorry about that? i guess if i was that sorry i would’ve done something sooner about it. to appease the masses, other farm photos! the new guy (explained further down) is a photographer and tweaked some of my images on photoshop…but i think what he did only made them better. enjoy!
so yeah i guess a lot has happened since the last time i wrote, and nothing has happened at the same time. boy we tend to place a lot of importance on events in our lives, don’t we? when really…we’re insignificant! all kinds of events occur in our lives…doesn’t make us unique, does it? the farm is illustrating this concept for me big time. if i don’t pull those weeds or harvest that zucchini, someone will.
all right i stop the pontificating right there. so what has happened work-wise is…not much. with changing weather brings vegetable changes obviously, but work is still similar. i’ve been experiencing an energy shift lately re: this job. basically it boils down to, i’m hoping for a second wind. i don’t know if that makes sense…but i’m leaving it there!
other subject matters…money! tricky, tricky money. i still live as if i make more, which is dangerous. it’ll kick me eventually and perhaps i’ll be singing a much more somber tune not too far from now.
and on a somewhat related note, more challenges re: my next step. i have so much to say on this subject and yet so little. nothing’s conclusive. i’m a little stuck there. or a lot stuck.
as one can infer from the last entry, my romance was on its way out. true; that one’s over. and, never before have i had this kind of romantic momentum, but a new one popped up almost instantaneously. i have the same kind of instincts with this one though; what i mean is, i don’t want to write too much about it. but you who are reading are dear to me, and this is about what’s going on in my life, right? well…it’s supposed to be about the farm. but this stuff is happening WHILE i’m on the farm!
anyhow, i’ll just finish with this: while i think our individual time here isn’t all that important in the grand scheme of things, i still feel i’ve met someone to collaborate with, and to be companioned. wish me luck.
Filed under: life_now
farm photos. CLICK ME!
tasks on this farm are definitely becoming less disparate and i’m beginning to see the whole picture. that’s fantastic. i’m starting to see what i do well and what i can improve on…there’s really things to be counted on as far as routines go.
i’ve finally put up some pictures…we have two locations and i still haven’t taken any at the other farm. but who cares…it’s been long enough without an update that i just made the decision to post now.
i’m actually looking for a second part-time job since money is so tight (like i knew it would be.) i also have more time on my hands now that…
so j got fired. that’s my romance guy that i alluded to last blog. how much of this story do i want to tell…probably not that much. basically the firing is an unfortunate, convoluted situation and things just didn’t work out for him. so he’s out of the house. just like that. and i miss him.
…my experience of his exit was topsy turvy…i had had a spectacular evening because i went to see avi’s show in new york (and getting to see erin for a bit) and came home very late…extremely tired but mostly elated to have gone at all. so i come home at 2 am, j wasn’t in my room, and all his stuff was gone. i basically started shaking and woke my roommate/co-worker mark up to tell me what the &*$% had happened. i’m sure the actual situation was much more traumatic for j, but i had my own version of anxiety that night…no one had called me! he hadn’t left me a note! it was all very upsetting. i’ve spoken to him since and he’s still very upset, and i’m not sure where we stand either. he says we’re not broken up…i don’t know. i really don’t know what to say there.
i had a feeling this would get very ‘dear diary’, so i’ll stop there. on a good note, i’m definitely starting to think of what i can do with this experience here, post-this-experience. the wheels are a turnin. when i was in new york for 4 hours, it’s sorta like…well duh…this is home. so i guess the wheels are a turnin that-a-way.
i don’t regret the decision to come here, but i surely do miss the physical affection of my friends. it’s been invaluable to at least have them via email and phone. luckily hip hop class starts next week, and this weekend kelsey is coming through town. she and i are pretty famous (um, to each other, i guess) for our awesome hugs. i think i might be the needier one this time around…hope i don’t suffocate her before dinner.
OH i almost forgot, to end on an even more joyful note, i’ve definitely lost 10 pounds and celebrated with a HALF OFF bcbg dress at an outlet nearby. i look KNOCKOUT good. i’ll take a picture soon and you all can subsequently flatter me.
thanks again for reading guys. your comments and emails are like hugs.
i know readership only really stays high if you update frequently…so i’ ve failed so far in that. although with me emailing everyone every time i update the blog…guess that’s moot. maybe.
anyhow i’ve been thinking about an angle for this entry…something to entertain, perhaps. but i got nothin. it’s bleak out there, i’m telling you, bleak!
no it’s not bleak. i’ve just had a rough couple of weeks. as marcus foster says, “i know now there’s nothing but my old demons getting in the way.” …well my old ways of taking things personally and my general anxiety-of-the-new have crept up and i guess it’s just not smooth sailing. i’ve often sugar-coated the downs of my ups and downs in my blogs…seems i’m leaning that way now. i’m just trying to spin it so it’s interesting to read and not quite as eeyore-like as a journal entry, say.
my friend mike keeps saying, put pictures up on your blog! great idea mike…i do live and work in a beautiful landscape. however, i am finding that when i’m not working, i don’t quite feel like going to “work” and taking pictures…they’ll come soon though.
…there’s also romance for me currently too. this is really throwing me. the circumstances were unexpected and i’d say a lot of my energy is going towards that as well as my job. although…perhaps i’m finding i don’t have enough energy allocated for both. ?? i’m a little terrified to put it in print for you all to read, just cause it’s new and what if it doesn’t work out? then i’ll have to tell you that too! or not. guess i can put whatever i want here.
notice how there isn’t anything about what i’ve learned re: FARMING yet? right. i said i wanted to learn the science of food, yes i did. that’s still true. but mostly my current situation seems to be a lesson in energy maintenance. heck, all of life is really a lesson in energy maintenance, isn’t it?
well i’ll tell you this much: i’m not rueful and i don’t want to be anywhere else.
thanks for reading, guys.
ps…feliz dia de las madres.
pps…all you jokers who nagged me for my mailing address. .. …. where are my damn care packages??!!
10 things i’ve learned so far (not all of which are related to farming):
- in order to be properly conditioned for farming, one must prepare by…farming
- broccoli and onions thrive on cooler soil; lay a bed of plastic down THEN transplant them through holes in the plastic
- in addition to yellow road signs like “LANE ENDS MERGE LEFT” and “DEER CROSSING”, there exists: “DEAF CHILD AREA”
- the stillness around the house at night involuntarily lulls one into a deep, deep sleep
- forget what i said about stinkbugs…those suckers are endless
- wxpn is kcrw’s slicker, sexier sister
- when relocating to a new area, add to checklist: does my neighborhood have, say, a nuclear power plant?
- dozens of chicks (you know, baby chickens) will immediately cease chirping upon hearing my cackle
- that extra weight i’d like to shed did not fall off my body on the first day of work…instead, i ambled like a geriatric spider to my bed before my limbs could fall off
- i think i’ll be okay here
i go outside, hoping to get some cell phone service (this trick always works, doesn’t it?). as i’m pleading with the bar icon in vain on my screen, i realize that i can’t see in front of me beyond my cell phone. it’s pitch black. yet i hear nocturnal life; an animal scurrying not a few feet from me, a group of crickets conversing, and a flapping bug-sort that i hear before i see, suddenly colliding at my face. i swoop to dodge it and fumble my way back inside.
oh that’s RIGHT, i think to myself, i’m in the COUNTRY now. time to reboot and adjust my settings to a new operating system: farmer.
stop straining to hear a car pass, i say. heed the all important guideline: squish one stinkbug, expect ten more. instead, grab a tissue and, kind of, cuddle it until you can set it free outside. …(only to make his wily way back inside my room, i think to my city-self.) NO! banish such thoughts! all is well and good and of utmost peace in the countryside.
ah the country…where creaky floors are as common as the ebbs and flows of the tide, where ladybugs tread your ceiling as if it were a vine, and where the seemingly impenetrable expanse of nature can both frighten and thrill you.
obviously, this is all before my first day of work. perhaps being steeped in chicken feces will color my perception differently. now if i could only get my damn phone to…
